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Over the course of the war, the Nilean regime developed various machines of destruction to deploy against Optima. Many of these machines are available for sale commercially, as part of an effort to under write the cost of the war. Equipment available for purchase over the internet are reproduced below, complete with their original design schematic. Cash purchases only. Credit cards not accepted.
An aerial battleship capable of carrying a 900 ton payload of high explosives, this behemoth is greatly feared by Optiman High Command. Heavily armoured and equipped with 16 high calibre cannons ranging from 300mm to 90mm, it can deal out formidable damage to any foe. The ship is ringed by balconies that can be manned by riflemen to fend off aerial attack. These balconies are also good for barbeques.
Virtually indestructable, the Battle Balloon has only one weak point: the three lift balloons, which are vulnerable to rifle fire and bird attack.
Five of these gargantuan vehicles are currently for sale. Minor damage to undercarriages. Heavily patched balloons. Leather upholstery. No credit cards. Perfect for avoiding traffic and blasting neighbours using leaf blowers.
Charged with deploying weapons systems capable of killing indirectly, Natural Destruction Devices developed the Model I Tracked Insult Generating Vehicle for the battlefield. Armed with an automated random insult generator, with over 10,000 built in source words, the A.I.G.S (Automated Insult Generation System) can issue out up to 20 unique insults per minute. The device can be set to direct, which insults the defender, or indirect, in which case the their mother is rudely disparaged. The weapons system was deployed at the Tenth Battle of Juche Forest, but the vehicles did not perform well due to malfunctioning tape decks. Crews tried to improvise, but were unable to come up with scathing enough material to dislodge enemy troops or break their morale.
Obsolete on the modern battlefield, the Tracked Insult Generating Vehicle can be very useful at office parties or at sports games. Twenty are available. Two are export versions constructed for Norway and have insult tapes in Swedish.
The largest landship deployed by the Nilean Army, this vehicle is the back bone of any assault on an urban centre. The main armament is an unwieldly 20,000mm recoilless cannon set into the forecastle. Only fifteen high explosive shells can be carried due to their incredible weight and size. Ten 300mm cannons and hundreds of smaller calibre guns dot the rest of the surface of this lumbering behemoth, which maneuvers on 4 gigantic tracks. Gas mileage is terrible, and the vehicle must be refueled every 5 kilometers, in spite of having gas tanks with greater volume than Olympic swimming pools.
The operation of the Behemoth is so complicated and difficult that an entire administration wing of 200 personnel is built into the superstructure. There are four fully staffed coffee shops on board, and 100 bathrooms (98 more than the Mark XX, which has greatly increased efficiency). Bathroom line-ups had been found to impair combat efficency.
Slave labourers are often used to carry out menial tasks aboard the vessel in order to free up trained personnel for combat, barrista, or bureaucrat duty.
The vehicles greatest drawback is that at 40,000 tons it often becomes bogged down, even on heavily reinforced asphalt highways; as such, it is often accompanied by a swarm of bulldozers, diggers, and 50 treaded tow trucks equipped with heavy cables.
The retail version comes with ammunition (10 20,0000mm rounds, 5000 of smaller calibre), 3 bulldozers, and a waffle iron.
Sap your will and that of others with these heretical and terrifying buttons of darkness, and help expose the corrupt system! Each button comes with 3 tels of angst and ennui.
Copyright by James Turner